pat thornton
It’s 11:30pm, I just changed my battery settings to power saver, let’s see how long before I have to back out to my spot at the bar. There is now a Jersey Shore Grimace. Also, calling Luba Goy the “Lube” is an oxymoron- dry, dry DRY. Pat’s on a riff about broken crayons. I heard this from out at the bar about a half hour ago, well, I just heard Pat scream “BROKEN CRAYON!!!” No idea. It always takes about fifteen minutes to catch up… or at least until he does another recap for the Internets. I think it’s time to break out the Fuzzy Peaches. I’m opening the bag with my teeth while Pat tells me some of his 99 problems. Thesse fuzzy peaches are child proof. Fuck. There are way more people here now. It is almost packed. The crowd is loving these point form problems- which say things like “at this point I will most def miss the Mcrib” and How I Met Your Mother Sucks Now. The last two are #98 Tax Evasion and #99 I am Wesley Snipes. Golden.
“Put your jokes at the bottom of the pile or I’ll sit on your face”- Luba Goy. We’re still doing Wesley, Goy and Simone jokes. The marmalade and Rob Ford jokes seem to have simmered down. Now there’s a bunch with the hashtag #nineyearoldpresident. “I’m not Muslim”- #nineyearoldopresident. “he’s totally muslim”- #nineyearoldvicepresident. Luba Goy asked her OBGYN if he could turn her vagina in a real boy. “How can I change this country if you keep kicking me in the nuts?”- nine year old president.
WHOA. JON BLAIR BURN. The first thing Rob Ford will do in office is fart for ten minutes. SIX HOURS. Pat needs some water, which is fetched for him. He then eats a banana. When will we examine allegations of Cheese Twenty deliciousness? “I’m glad Cheese 20 is back, folks.”-Pat Thornton. Nine year old president does not care about black liquorice. The girls’ bathroom here spells kinda like Fun Dip. What? Who’s here? These jokes are getting really good! Mostly different kinds of Grimaces. There’s also a bunch of Paddington Puns. “Why do people think I’m creepy?”- Paddington Stare. “Yes We CAN eat waffles for dinner.”- 9 year old President. M. Night Shyamalan sucks. The Broadway dork doesn’t know enough pop culture references to give Pat’s set 100% justice… these comedians are too cool for me.
9 year old president has a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy about his pubes. “I did not have sexual relations with that Buzz Lightyear toy.” I think it will be later revealed that he did. “George Stroumboulopoulos is here: could someone please please please introduce me?”- Kevin Sorbo. “Luba Goy tricked me into sex.”- Paddington Snair. I like when Pat starts giggling in the middle of reading the jokes- especially when he does it twice. “It’s called Air Force fun now!”- Nine year old president. Luba Goy vagina is so dry, there’s a yak skeleton on it. A yak skeleton. The skeletal remains of a yak.
“Why is my penis wooden?”- Nine year old Luba Boy. My god. MARK: Hey, Pat, a bunch of people are wondering what’s going on. Maybe a recap? Pat: RECAP! 1. Wesley has scrambled eggs in his pants and tax problems 2. Ford has scrambled eggs in his pants and is shit at everything 3. There was a feud between Rap Grimace and Paddington Bear- which has now devolved into a lot of random words. 4. Tristan is a six year old who breaks crayons who was written in joke book by another kid named Ryan 5. Kevin Sorbo is out of work and is trying to steal everyone’s jobs. 6. There’s a 9 year old president. 7. Lettuce Robertson/Robinson is the Chief of police. 8. Raven Simone is playing a Lady Gremlin in Gremlins 4. 9. Lucy Zilio inspires regular masturbation- just boring regular masturbation- from men who hate themselves and their dicks. “Did I mention Luba Goy’s vagina is made of wood and dryer than the desert? Because that’s important.”
I’m an old French philosopher that nobody gets- Paddington Voltaire. Win. Huge roar.
Man, last night we got so drunk, we can’t find our friend the yak skeleton. Pat has to brace himself on the chair. I’m sure he’s okay. Kevin Sorbo keeps asking if he can host Sunday Night Live. Ashton Kutcher’s socks and Rap Grimace are both trending on Twitter. “My skateboard is the new minister of transport”- President Dude. Funky wizard just came out of nowhere. So random. There was also an awesome mention of Wesley Snapes- Potions Professor at Hogwarts. Obviously that was for the dorks in the audience. “I sold my hair just for other cut off hair”- Kevin Sorbo. There’s a running gag about Sorbo befriending a blind kid- and then ditching him. “Sorbs are you still there?”- Blind Kid to Lamppost. “Help, I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get up”- The Economy. Whoa. That got real.
“Fuck 9 year old John Wilkes Booth”- nine year old Lee Harvey Oswald.
Oh man, it’s only 12:46 and I’m already feeling a little lightheaded- in a sort of uproarious way though. Taking a little battery charging break. Going to check out some of the Twitter action. It’s only 12:49am and Pat Thornton is already at 97% of his goal! ($55 bucks short of $8,000). WOW. That’s extraordinary. Go and donate now and help him make mincemeat of his goals and give the Stephen Lewis Foundation an asshat worth of well deserved cash for an extraordinarily good cause. I don’t know why I’m so uncreative with my adjectives and adverbs just now… let’s see if that gets worse or better as the time rolls on… Steve Fisher told me that he was going to have to take Torontoist work breaks tonight amid Pat’s stand up because he has a lot of serious work to complete in the next few days. I just witnessed his process! It’s called Big Buck Hunter III. Whatever works.
I can’t see anything, as far as audience are concerned, but according to Twitter, which is the authority on these things, George Stroumboulopoulos and Scott Thompson are here. Which is pretty awesome. I wonder what other Canadian celebrities will show up as the hours roll along? Although… Luba Goy may not want to show up… it could be awkward to listen to six straight hours of jokes at the expense of your wooden, dry vagina…
Pat has taken to responding to “stupid things Rob Ford does” with “ROB!!! THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT’S DONE!” There’s also a new character to add to our ongoing sega- Mustard Andrew. It’s last call at the bar. Eeeek. This is going to be the long haul, methinks. Good thing I have candy. Might have to pop out in the morning for some caffeine and some breakfast foods. Trollvember. Hahaha. Pat just screamed “GROW A MUSTASHE!!” You know who else is here? The lovely Kylee Evans.
I’ve never actually seen the Comedy Bar menu before… it’s all colourful and fun looking. Kylee and I are obsessing over this menu. Gary’s Luau Burger- “If you eat meat, you will love it! It’s the most expensive thing on the menu.”- Kylee Evans. Likely because I never sit at the bar- but I am now because I can charge my battery and watch Pat at the same time! Bliss, I tell you, BLISS. I’m sad that I missed the beginning of the Colonial Mustard Andrew joke. Shit. There’s a lot of Mustard Andrew jokes happening and more “ROB- MUSTACHE!” screaming.
Two time Dora Award winner Waylen Miki has started talking about the New Order. It is going to be a long night. Waylen has murdered me and disposed of my body in the woods. Edit: Waylen wishes that he had murdered me I am boring the pants off him. Guess that’s to be expected. He says he wishes I was dead because that would prove that he’s actively pursuing and working obviously within the career that he’s chosen, rather than just waiting for me to die of natural causes. Waylen Miki has approved this blog.
