pat thornton and grimace
It’s 8pm and I am at comedy bar, blogging to you live from where I’m attempting to find a plug in the dark without uprooting the whole room, Sorry, Yes. Hi. It’s 8pm and I’m at Comedy Bar where I am writing from The Pat Thornton Show, where Torontonian funny man Pat Thornton is endeavouring to do stand up comedy for 24 hours straight to raise an exorbitant amount of money to support the Stephen Lewis Foundation battle against AIDS in Africa. He’s already been here for two hours, and the house is pretty solidly filled. So- the way this works is that Pat is up onstage and the audience is filled with comedians and joke wielding community minded citizens who are writing jokes, one liners and sometimes random musings or odd sequences of words, on pieces of paper, which are then passed up to Thornton and read, unedited, uncensored, limited judgement… and then the pieces of paper are crumbled and thrown onto the stage- assuming that they may engulf him by 6pm tomorrow night (which is when he is stopping this insanity!)
So, what the fuck am I doing? I have no idea. Two years ago when I was still in school (doing my MA in Drama Studies) we did this ridiculous cabaret based on Futurism, which none of us entirely understood. It was basically a gong show, we assumed, I think correctly, just for the sake of being a gong show. We saw a phone ring from inside Sasha Von Bon Bon’s vagina (seriously. And you can never un-see that, I swear to God), someone attacked a table with a hatchet and threatened to go batshit on the audience… there was a HUGE papier mache Stephen Harper head… anyway, and my friend, also named Sasha, sat at her laptop for the entire three hour show and typed the whole time, stream of consciousness, and the typing was projected on a screen on the stage so the audience could follow along with it. And the idea of “live blogging” was the only concept that I took from my entire three months in-depth study on futurism- and I’ve wanted to try it with comedy shows for awhile now. Especially comedy shows that extend over an insanely long time period- assuming that with the mixture of alcohol and sleep deprivation- the stream of consciousness, unedited, uncensored blogging could end up being a sort of gong show of its own- but perhaps absurdly, it will also have the ability to capture the ambiance of the event. I don’t know. This could be the most boring thing I have ever posted. It could have a cult following to rival The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I have no idea. But I’m hell bent on trying it, whatever it is, so buckle your seatbelts and get ready for live blogs. Six blogs. One every four hours. Uncensored. Uncut. Unpredictable. LETS DO THIS.
Okay, so… Rob Ford and Marmalade and scramble eggs down Raven Simone’s pants. That’s been the gist of the stand up so far…
The last joke that Pat read from the Internet was so bad, he’s just started doing his own material. Oh. We’re starting on Missouri jokes. There’s a whole gaggle of people here, and five laptops… three people on five laptops and a video camera and a printer. Gremlins IV rumours have started. It’s hard to write down the jokes fast enough as Pat says them. Jokes don’t get started with Once Upon a Time… that’s a fairytale. If a joke started with Once Upon a Time, what would the punch line be? Inessa Frantowski is wearing a super cute dress. She’s one of the comedians in the audience writing jokes. I’m in the back and it’s dark so it’s hard to know who else is here. I’ll try to update you with celebrity sightings though as the night progresses. “Is that a meatloaf wearing jeans? Nope. Ford eggs scrambled.” Here are things you have to know 1. Scrambled eggs in Ford pants 2. Wesley Snipes tax problems 3. Missouri is garbage 4. Marmalade is the worst thing in the world 5. Raven Simone is going to star in Gremlins 4. 6. Parmville is like Farmville where all you farm is parmesan cheese.
“FUCK YOU, MARMALADE, I hope you feel it in your citrusy face.” I can’t believe I spelled citrusy correct on the first go. Leave it to me to muse about spelling. If you’re just tuning it, when Rob Ford is eating garbage it looks like he might be jerking off…
“Chinuary- is like Movember, but it’s for Chins. Rob Ford still sucks his egg dicks. Yup, I said egg dick.” This is where rumours get started. Luba Goy is a ninja turtle. Raven Simone plays Farmville. Welcome back to the party. “Luba Goy having a wood vag jokes are accepted here.” When Chinuary roles around, Jay Leno acts like a real cocky dick. Some of these jokes make no sense. Monopoly? Marmalade? What?
Pat’s response to random girls telling him their problems on the bus is, “ugh, sorry you know me from TV or whatever…” Pat can’t believe he’s going after marmalade tonight. I’m already cold. I’ve broken out my sweatshirt. It’s deaf people, Pat, not DEAD people… Pat’s kind of ruined the disabled joke.
Have you ever tried to eat chips instead of a meal? Don’t do it on the subway because it’s you at your least attractive. Pat is part raccoon as it turns out. Seriously, if you fuck up a batch of jam, don’t give it another name and continue on as if nothing happened. Pat keeps saying, “Someone call the CBC!” Is anyone actually calling? Can we prank call the CBC? MTV= My Terrified Vagina (only when Rob Ford is approaching it). Is karma laid something? (cue: an hour of jokes centering on making Karma Laid a thing) “It is the night when nothing is everything and everything sucks.”- Pat Thornton everybody!
We’re at 500 cash! On the Interweb, $6,045. Golf claps. I like the way Pat crumples and tosses the jokes that don’t land well. Or don’t land at all. Into space, bad jokes!
Pat starts reading Lettuce Jokes written by First Graders:
Knock Knock. Who’s There? Lettuce. Lettuce Who. Lettuce, I love you.
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in we’re soggy. (Nice!)
Knock knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce out of the house it’s burning. (it’s rare that you would knock to get out, but that’s what happening here.)
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce koo-who.
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in the nest. Koo-who. (which kid copied?)
Can we get some lettuce jokes trending on twitter?
Lettuce Jokes from the audience:
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce see your bank statements, Snipes, we’re coming for you!
Rob Ford… more like GERALD FORD. We’re calling you out, Ford, we want to see your bread legs next week in the SUN. Apparently, earlier in the night The CBC guy came and pointed a camera at Pat and he said a joke about Rob Ford being ten talking hamburgers in a trench coat. Which is funny because Rob Ford doesn’t wear trench coats.
Sarah Palin’s crotch smells like a pelican’s beak. You heard it here first, folks!
Pat says, “I got nowhere with this last year, I’m just going to describe Ziggy cartoons. No one liked it last year. But I really like it, so I’m going to go with it again.” First Try: Pat forgets to mention the vegetable garden. Tries it again. Describes better. “What kind of life does Ziggy have?! Every situation is a compromise with a weird animal!!!” Listen guys, I hope everyone doesn’t think we’re just on a Ziggy break here. So… there’s a gorilla wearing a beret that has come to Ziggy’s door…. Pat is intellectualizing Ziggy. He’s just nice! He’s not stupid! Pat is standing up for Ziggy passionately.
CBC more like Crunchy Bieber Cereal. (silence). Maybe back to Ziggy? Why did Jay Leno cross the road? Because he heard that Conan O’Brien was on the other side of the road and he decided he wanted the other side because he’s a douche. Free target practice at Leatherface all night.
Regular Chips, you’re all the way in the woods now. It’s going to get shitty for you. Pat might eat a banana in a bit. What do you think of that?
You guys like TV? You like movies?? You like eating stuff? I don’t have a joke, just market research…
Pat reads joke from the audience. Demands rewrite.
TLC, if you’re out there, give some money. “Are people out there watching this, Mark?” Mark Andrada pipes up in a quiet matter of fact tone, “yup”. Apparently 64 people out there are watching this RIGHT NOW. Golf claps.
Lettuce, not a good cure for herpes. You heard it here first, folks. Solid advice, from Pat Thornton.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce rejoice. Hm. I think the 6 year olds were better.
Pat went to the bathroom in the mall the other day. He doesn’t know why he’s telling everyone this. Hooker fart. That happened.
Pat is just up here, heckling the hell out of marmalade. Ely has nachos. They are delicious. Yum. Come here for the nachos and the jokes. People on the internet, feel free to just send in good ideas. Jar Jar Binks and Rob Ford get married, and instead of wedding cake they have wedding marmalade. Pat says, “I’d go, I wouldn’t like it but I’d go because sooner or later they’d play “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” and that’s my jam. Not my marmalade.”
The “Your dick is so wide” jokes have started. As Pat points out, that’s really the best burn ever, “Your dick is so big…” way to REALLY rip someone…
Pat just read a joke made up of random word associations… and then when it didn’t land because it made zero sense he said, “Did I do that right?” Well… there are lots of different kinds of jokes.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls jokes are happening.
“Wait, let me get this straight. I donated online. I paid to get in. AND I write the jokes? This is the worst gig EVER!!”- disgruntled, anonymous audience member.
The chicken has arrived. “The secret of the ooze made the ninja turtles, the secret of the marmalade made the fords.” I can get behind that.
I’ve been here for one hour. And Pat is still burning Rob Ford and Marmalade. I love Pat’s face when the joke actually makes zero sense. So much judgement. No words.
Pat: Knock Knock. Audience: Who’s there? Pat: Owls Go. Audience: Owls go wh- (realization)-ooh. (palpable judgement) Pat: Yes, I will read ANYTHING.
Pat just put a joke that made no sense in his pocket. We’ll see if that comes back to bite us later.
If I said Leatherface= Susan Boyle is that a burn on Leatherface on Susan Boyle? If I said Lettuce Face= Susan Boyle is THAT a burn on Susan Boyle? Or “Lettuce Face”? From (I think) Sarah Hillier: That’s a bigger burn on Susan Boyle because you’re saying that she’s worse than Lettuce Face that looking like her is a burn on Lettuce Face. Pat discusses the merits of Hillier’s argument. Someone else points out that Hillier is right- unless it’s a backwards burn on Lettuce Face. Pat then discusses the merits of the backwards burn argument. Over analyzed comedy for the win.
What’s the difference between acne and Catholic priests? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face AFTER he turns twelve. OOOOOOOOOOOH. Acne… is acne in the woods on that one?
It just took me waaaaaaaaaaay too long to get a “huge paws” bear in a bar joke. Paws, you’re in the woods. So am I, I think… except no one knows. Well… no one knows until they read this. It’s way too early in the night for me to be that dense.
Hey midget bible, you’re in the woods! Rob Ford wants to get rid of unnecessary taxes and by “unnecessary taxes” he means immigrants. Guys, midgets are in the shrubs. Oh man. What does Rob Ford and a pirate have in common? They both put their junk in a big wooden box… Luba Goy.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce Robertson, Chief of Police. I’ve found your son.
Pat has a fictional arch nemesis named Juanita. “McDonald’s if you and I are going to stay friends, you’re going to have to stop talking about your mysterious ‘beef machine’.”- Pat Thornton.
“Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls. My friend has a bet with me, you’re Native.” Pat has some jokes on his phone. And someone wrote good luck on his wall. It’s nice that we can all share these intimate moments with one another thanks to the magic of technology. Pat’s talking about freezer head when he eats ice cream. Pat’s miming how his sister eats ice cream (savouring it), someone in the audience is providing the orgasm soundtrack. “That’s my sister, guys.” Pat tells the crowd to try a little better after reading a piece of paper of a submitted joke that just said “egg pants”
Who wants to start a band with Pat called Wood Puss?
Don’t go training thunder balls- more advice from Lettuce Robertson. Don’t go tracing wonderbras. Don’t go racist, waterfalls. Don’t go tasting otter balls. Pat is rambling on whether a cantaloupe can only not get married in secret, or whether they could get married in a large ceremony their parents are invited to… only if they could afford it of course…
Someone in the audience just asked someone else in the audience, “Where did marmalade come from?” I think that’s what we all want to know. Don’t go chasing Dufferin Mall. That place is garbage. Don’t go tasting Whoppers, ya’ll (huge roar) “hold on, hold on, it gets better.” Sincerely, Rap Grimace. Pat wants to see more from Rap Grimace, Internet!
There was just a Sound of Music marmalade yodel reference. Sometimes I just laugh at the way that Pat tells the joke, even if it’s not funny at all. Don’t go blaming Biggie Smalls, I caused all that rap battle shit, Yours sincerely, Rap Grimace. All the boys here have intense porn video stashes. Pretty awesome. #movember. Rap Gramice sold out when he did that Broadway revival of The Color Purple.
Don’t vote Cheney, over all. That’s the biggest stretch ever. Can’t even see the waterfall from where we are now. No one knows what’s up with Rap Grimace, he just rules- Pat is explaining things to the Internet people. The woods are owned by Oprah. We got this? We got this?
It’s 10pm. Have you driven a Ford lately? So… the whole Ford Company is now in the woods. I still don’t have a plug. We can go for 20 more hours, right? Apparently Gary can’t remember his own joke- but Mark to the rescue! There is so much technology in this room. There’s cords everywhere. Mark is being a superstar trying to make the live streaming work faster. All the joys of live shows.
Now for a serious message from Pat Thornton: He doesn’t care how bad your jokes are, Internet! there’s no such thing as writer’s block. Who cares!? Who cares!? He will read it!
So, I’ve found a plug out near the bar, there’s a party going on out here too- all sorts of odd and interesting people milling about. I’m recharging my batteries and just reading over what I have written so far. So far I haven’t had any alcohol and it’s only quarter to eleven. So… tune in around 2am for the next blog, which is sure to be even more scatterbrained, giddy, outrageous, potentially offensive and overall ridiculous and perhaps a ginormous waste of time- BUT NOT IF YOUR DONATING TO HELP SUPPORT THE STEPHEN LEWIS FOUNDATION TO HELP THE FIGHT AGAINST THE AIDS PANDEMIC IN AFRICA. Get up off your ass, actually, you don’t even have to, just use the Internet and a credit card and sit on your ass while you donate, donate, donate!
You can watch the hysteria LIVE here. Do it. Or- even better- come here and party with us. Comedy Bar. 945 Bloor Street West. Stand Up straight til TUESDAY NOVEMBER 16th, 6pm. $5 (or more!) for a “come and go” button.
As an aside, every time I leave my laptop unattended for a second I’m afraid that someone is going to change my Facebook status to “I eat poo,” even when I’m not logged on… nevertheless… it’s probably a fair concern. Anyways. Come drop by. If you want the next blog to be funnier, buy me a drink!
